independant thinkers and their parents

'... so ma, what you're actually saying is this,' my son said, 'you brought me up to be a free thinker, questioning popular thought, looking for my own answers, finding my own truths, but that's only with the rest of the world... not with you, right?'

what can i say, the boy is right!

who is this alien in my child's body?

32 tries later, i managed to get through to the exchange. i gave my chellam's roll number and dorm number; the call was put through.

we chatted a bit about what was happening in her life and mine. then 'ma, send me my red strapless bra please,' she said.

'why kanna? didn't you take enough underwear with you?'

'ya ma, but i went shopping with atha for clothes for my birthday and got a dress with wide shoulders. i need a strapless bra.'

so we got into a discussion (that's a nice word for what actually happened) about spending money on things she already had (two sets of clothes to wear on her birthday specifically, plus at least a dozen more because the others were 'worn and ratty, and just not the kind of stuff i like anymore'), and protests that she didn't have enough, and finally ended with the darling daughter saying her evening was ruined with this phone call, and did i really have to call and ruin her day.

how do we get from being the rock in our children's lives to being adults who they think are only set to ruin things for them? here on one side, is a child who thinks she is completely misunderstood and hates her parents, and there on the other side are parents who can't understand why they can't ever do anything right, who feel hurt at the insolence and disrespect dished out on a regular basis, and wonder why the children can't see how much they are loved.

i don't understand my daughter any more. nothing works. this will pass, everybody tells me, but will the scars fade? or will both of us look back heavy hearted, with one wishing she was born to different parents, and the other missing out on the togetherness that could have been, the closeness she never had with her own mother?

today most conversations with my chellam leave me in tears; wondering how things got so bad; longing for a child who loves me back the way i love her.

i wonder what she wants.

happy and gay, naturally!

'... so i told the school authorities that it was only natural for her to be interested in boys at this age, and if she were not, now that would be un-natural and abnormal!'

i was telling my son about the 'we wish to bring to your notice that your daughter is interested in a boy, so please counsel and discipline her.' email i got from school.

'ma, please, you're going to give the wrong impression,' my son protested, and quite vehemently too. 'why don't you just stop for a minute and think about what you've done....' the words rolled on, but i didn't pay too much attention.

'maybe he's right...' I told myself, 'the school is conservative, which is why i got that email in the first place... i hope they don't take it out on my chellam ...' when random words my first born was saying started registering in my mind, bringing my meandering thoughts to a screeching halt.

'... and you know what. you've just indicated. very clearly. that being attracted to the opposite sex is normal. and being gay is un-natural and abnormal!'

what? when did i ever say that! i protested. i never meant that at all. i was only talking about how attraction between the sexes is normal among teens. and anyway, even if i did indicate that, what did it have to do with chellam and her issue?

'raja,' i said firmly, after trying to get him to get back to my point, and failing to cut through his indignant support of homosexuality, 'this is not about gays at all. this is simply about my making a point to that stupid school that teenagers are hormonal and will be attracted to the opposite sex. i wasn't talking about homosexuality. it didn't even strike me to talk about it. now let it go.'

he let it go.

we've had this conversation many times, and it always worries me. 'what if?' my mind asks. i've got nothing against homosexuals, i've always said, not giving voice to the thought that homosexuality was ok as long as it was not my children who were that way. hypocrisy? alright, i'll admit to that. but i'm not ready to face any other kind of reality.

does every mother go through this? wondering about her son's sexual inclinations when he makes statements like my brat just did, and in that particular tone? when there are no girls in his life, and when there are too many girls in his life, and no 'girlfriend'? when he chooses deep purple curtains with silver grey flowers for his room? i must confess those curtains are super chic, but an 18 yr old 'straight' boy's choice?

'since when are colour and design gender specific?' he counters when i tell him that choice of curtain is 'gay.' oh god, i cringe just to type those words... did i actually say something that goes so against my policy of be and let be?

'are you?' i've asked him.

'no, but what would you do if i were?' he replies with his own question.

'well i won't be exactly thrilled about it, and it will be tough to accept it, but if that's what you were, i guess i would deal with it.' i say, 'eventually.'

i'm not happy with the direction that particular conversation went. but is there anything i can do about it?

yup. nothing. so let it be. for now.

on the cutting edge

a long exchange of smsses with first born today, he's travelling from san francisco to boston, and because of favourable winds, the 6 hour journey is cut down to 4. a relief normally, but the problem is his flight will now land in boston at 4am, and he has a one hour bus ride to college, in temperatures of -4!

once in boston, he gets completely lost, takes the wrong bus, rides around the city in the cold and dark, and generally has a miserable time. hiding my anxiety, i try to get him to laugh it off. 'look on the bright side raja', i tell him. 'if you survive this with no lasting trauma, at least you have an adventure you can talk about!'

'yup, and i'll be so used to the cold that i'll be walking around kodaikanal in my jetti', he replies (jetti=briefs)

'don't even think about it,' i message back, 'you'll scare away the bison.' we exchange smileys, and sign off.

just last week, he was down with a terrible upper respiratory tract infection and fever, and now he's wandering about in the cold. i don't even want to think about it. oh, well, some years ago, when keeping in touch across continents was not easy, i'm sure children went through these same issues and lived to tell the tale, and parents lived in their own worlds, blissfully unaware. brat will survive.

next is a phone call to my chellam.

'oh ma, i had these ugly tights, and they ripped, and so i ripped them some more and wore them, and they looked so cool, but a bit stripperish,' she tells me. pause for breath, and the words tumble out again, 'and you know what, i tore my jeans, and they look so awful. but you know what, i want totally ripped jeans, with just threads across the knees. they look so cool.'

'errmm... aren't they trashy?' i ask, 'and how come a small rip is uncool and hanging on by a thread is cool?'

she explains that 'sluttish' and 'stripperish' are bit way out, but look cool anyway. and this from a girl who talks about becoming a fashion merchandiser so she can influence global buying patterns. i don't know if i want to be around to see all of that!

and then her voice drops to a whisper; tone is still excited, words still tumble out higgledy-piggledy, but this time in whispers.

'oh ma, oh ma, oh ma...btw, you know what so many people are into in school? cutting!'

she goes on to explain what cutting is in graphic detail, and tells me how this boy in her class was rejected by a girl, so he cut himself, and this other girl took a blade and cut herself in so many places, and went about showing everybody.

i'm horrified that children are doing this, and that my baby is amongst children who are doing this, terrified that she might be tempted to try, just to see what is is all about... well, it's been known to happen... don't a lot of things start simply because a person is curious? but i swallow all of that, and ask what she did when the girls showed her the cuts.

'oh i just said 'whatever' and walked away. i didn't want to give her attention.'

i'm just starting to breathe and thank my lucky stars that my chellam is being so sensible when she adds 'i just hope i don't do it some day!'

every single alarm bell in my body starts to jangle.

'babe, you won't.' i say firmly. 'people who do that sort of thing have problems. either they have emotional issues. they have low self esteem, or are seeking attention. you don't need to get attention or seek validation by doing something so crazy.'

i know it's not that simple. i don't know why children do it, and i have absolutely no idea what i will do if my chellam ever does something like that.

she agrees it is freakish, and really horrid, but i can also hear the morbid fascination in her voice. i remember a girl in my own class, in boarding school who would take a nail cutter and pinch her skin off with it, and pull a blade or compass point through her hands. it was just that one girl though, and yes, we discussed it with shudders, but didn't pay it much attention.

from my conversation with my chellam, it seemed like the problem with teens cutting themselves was a lot more prevalent now, and i cross my fingers and say a prayer she will never harm herself in these ways. those ominous words 'i just hope i don't do it some day!' go round and round in my head.

and to think school sent me an email yesterday, and in extra large sized font that too, asking me counsel and discipline my daughter as she was 'interested in a boy.'

ooh man, what can i say about their priorities!!

ps. if you think you know someone who might be doing themselves harm by cutting, and are not really sure, or are a concerned adult who wants more information, you might want to take a look at this website or this one. i have no answers for you, just know that teen issues like self injury need to be taken seriously and perhaps dealt with with professional help. i wish you never have to address the issue of cutting with a child, but if you do, i wish you strength.

do 18 year olds need chaperones?

my first born wants to travel half way around the world to spend a week with his friends during spring break, in march 2011.

being the kind of person he is, along with his emailed request to go, he sends his dad and me details of his holiday schedule, his friends' holiday schedules, flight options, ticket costs, cost of hotels and service apartments (weekday and weekend rates) in the country he plans to visit.

impressive, but we gene donors freak out anyway.

me, still the conservative villager under my lipstick and concealer, freaking out at the idea of a teenager flying halfway around the world to spend a week with friends; his dad, who is ok with the half way around the world for a week idea, freaking out over the trouble he might get into- probably having nightmarish recollections of his own college days- something that does not bother me even after it has been pointed out; i know my son... err... at least think i do!

so, 'pa, he lives in a different country for heaven's sake!' i protest. 'you have no idea what he is up to there and you're ok with that. so how is this trip different!' i wonder if i should point the father to first born's facebook page.

anyway dh comes up with this crazy proposal that i go and spend that week skulking about in the same service apartment my brat is likely to stay, just to keep an eye on the boy. i can't think of anything more horrid, for both brat and me.

picking a time that's appropriate, what do you think about it raja, i ask. i take pains to point out that i'm a super cool mom who will not get in his way, or on his case, as long as he wasn't doing dangerous things of course.

'it's simple ma,' he says, quick as a flash. 'nana and you have to realise i'm not 14 anymore. also, my friends and i are not so stupid that we will break laws with no care for consequences. that said, if having a chaperone is the only way i can travel, i'd rather not go. i'll wait till you can trust me to travel to a foreign country on my own.'

then he moved on to something else. no arguments, no tantrums, nothing. he just made his point and moved on!

from past experience, i know that first born's 'oh so reasonable' handling of situations gets people to agree to even the most outrageous of requests, and i can't see this as being any different, but i'd like to see where it goes anyway!

i also think i would have made a nice mom for me. sigh.

here's where they are today

my chellam, 14, is now in boarding school, and learning to live a whole new life.

my raja, 18, is now in his first year of college in the us, and has slipped so easily into a new, and to me completely alien, life, it is frightening. he of course thinks being a 'major' he can do pretty much as he pleases.

so that's where my brats are today. this new avatar of my blog will be, i hope, my memory keeper.

boyfriends and best friends

my chellam has many issues that keep her nails well chewed; one of them is boys. all the 3 boys she likes are 'going steady' with other girls, her friends.

'what do you mean going steady?' is my reaction the first time i hear of it. after all, these kids are just 14, and isn't that the age of multiple crushes?

'yah ma, they've been together since 7th.' she says very sadly, mouth turned down in the most impossible upside down U

gaaahh!!! 12 years old and going steady??? how did things change so much in the span of one generation?

i pretend a casualness i don't feel. 'so why don't you have a boyfriend?'

'i told you ma, because all the boys i like are taken!' brat repeats, rolling her eyes at the dim mother who doesn't understand.

'what about...' i name a few boys in her class i know, and they are all dismissed in the most unflattering of terms... nerd, snitch, smelly...

i know she's very close to the 3 boys earlier described as 'taken.' she's chatting with them on the phone and on facebook as much as, if not more than, she does with her girl buddies.

sometimes the closeness worries me. i worry that she will develop 'feelings' for them and then, seeing as these testosterone charged mini-men are involved with her friends, things will get messy. i worry if she can cope with heartbreak.

'careful sweetie,' i tell her, 'it's very easy to cross the line from friendship to attraction to your teenage version of love, and then it's very easy to forget these are your friends' boyfriends!'

'chill ma,' she always replies, 'you're too hung up on this boyfriend-girlfriend thing.'

i drop the topic. till the next time.

one particular next time i push a bit more...

'so how does it feel to have a crush on your best friend's boyfriend?'

i don't look up from my dosa and chutney but can feel her eyes boring holes in the top of my head.

she stammers, sputters, denies, and in general protests way too much, before settling for a 'how do you know?'

'i'm your mother, i know,' is response enough.

so she tells me how yes, she does have a crush on her best friend's boyfriend, how her best friend found out, and freaked out. 'she felt really insecure, so i told her i didn't really like him.'

'did she believe you?'

'no ma, so to make her believe me i swore i actually liked Z.'

sigh. Z is another friend's boyfriend. this was getting too complicated for me.

'but you know what ma,' she carries on, 'it's ok i don't have a boyfriend,'

(you bet it is baby, i'm thinking, but not saying)

'i have many friends, and if there's one thing i'm not going to do, it's steal my friend's boyfriend just because i like him and he likes me too!'

i gape at her in open mouthed amazement.

way to go girl. you've got your heart in the right place. there's plenty of time for your someone special to come along, and when he does, he will come with no strings attached (i sincerely hope).

*

now if only adults had the sense this little child has!